Tristan and his apples
by xomeiox
Summary: Tristan's serious apple addiction has seriously torn up his marriage and friendship with his knights. The knights and Tristan's wife,Katryna, try to help him rid his addiction...Enjoy. Written by xomeiox and nancystagerat


King Arthur and his knights finally reached home. Tristan glanced shiftily around his companions and quickly into his pocket. He reached down and grabbed an unfinished yellow apple.

"Oh darn…the flesh is getting brown again!" he complained.

"Tristan! What are you doing!" Arthur asked.

"What? Um...Nothing!" Tristan replied with his voice suddenly high.

"You are up to something….aren't you" said Lancelot.

"No, nothing at all…Why would you think that?" Tristan replied

"Because your hand is in your oversized pocket?" Boors said

"That doesn't mean that there's an apple in there or anything…" he sheepishly replied.

"You're lying..." said Gawain.

Tristan pouted, "All right…maybe there is…so what? It's not like I have a problem?"

"You're an addict!" said Galahad.

"What do you mean I'M an ADDICT? I can put this down and stop eating right now or maybe I could even throw it off the horse if I wanted…"

"You're bluffing" said Galahad.

"No I'm NOT! Wanna see me do it?"

"YES!" all the knights cried in unison.

"Alright, alright… no need to gang up on me." He said. He looked at the apple for the last time and slowly chucked it over his shoulder at Galahad's head.

"OW! What was that for?"

Tristan rode away so sullenly but as soon as he past Arthur, his faithful hawk flew onto his shoulder and replaced the yellow apple for a delicious red one.

"Good boy! I have trained you VERY well."

"TRISTAN!" the knights yelled.

"What did I do? NOT MY FAULT! It's the BIRD!"

With that he rode off giggling and clenching the apple. 'Suckers' he thought to himself.

"GET BACK HERE YOU MORON!" they all shouted.

Suddenly Boors said, "That one needs SERIOUS mental help."

"Wait, I have a plan!" Lancelot announced.

"YEAH!" shout Gawain and Galahad.

"Okay…first, I shall kidnap Guinevere…"

"HEY!" said Arthur

"Okay fine! Plan B…"

"What's Plan B?" asked Boors. "Wait…we have a PLAN?"

"SHUT UP BOORS!" said Gawain. "Wake up and smell the coffee!"

"What's coffee?" asked Galahad.

"SHUT UP!" screamed Arthur. "Listen to LANCELOT! ARGH!"

"As I was saying…before you so rudely interrupted…Kidnap the dodo..."

"Which one? The bird or the guy?" asked Boors

Lancelot slapped Boors across the face.

"OW!"

"The bird you idiot! Okay then, after we nab Stragey, burn the apples." Lancelot continued.

"Wait a minute…Won't the apple juice extinguish the fire?" asked Galahad.

"WILL YOU LET ME FINISH?" Lancelot shouted.

"Fine, Mr. Pooper..." said Dagnet.

"Where did YOU come from?"

"Um...I was here like the whole time…"

"Damn, you're quiet..." said Gawain.

"Am I ever going to finish this?" asked Lancelot.

"LET HIM SPEAK! I'm getting quite sick of you!" Arthur shouted.

"Thank you Arthur. For the third time…AS I WAS SAYING…nab the dodo, burn the apples, send Tristan to rehab." Lancelot plotted.

"How on earth are we gonna paw the apples?" asked Dagnet.

"Easy. His wife, Katryna hates his addiction more than we do. Everything in their house smells like apples…I can understand that. She can get him drunk and lock him in the pantry…"

"Or the bedroom…" added Boors

"SHUT UP! NOBODY ASKED YOU!" everyone shouted.

"Ahem…so yes. We stick with the pantry the next person who adds their two shillings in shall sleep next to the angry Tristan in the pantry." Lancelot concluded.

"Oiy, that sucks" said Galahad.

They ride through the gates of Hadrian's Wall to find Tristan chasing his bird. The animal stole his new apple.

"Hey that's mine! Get your feathery butt down here this instant!"

"Oiy Tristan!" Gawain shouted.

"YOU? I thought I ditched you!" he replied.

Lancelot snuck up behind him and bound his arms behind his back.

"Easy fella, we're not gonna hurt ya…much"

"LANCELOT!" shouted the crew

Tristan shouted many angry curses as they bound his feet too. Gawain on the other hand went into Tristan's house and asked Katryna to come down to see her struggling husband.

"Kay! Hey Kay! Help me! Please!" Tristan begged.

"NO WAY JOSE! You and your apples bother the HELL outta me." She replied. "Time for some serious reason and work to be done!"

She hog-tied Tristan and flipped him over onto his belly.

"Whoa…when can she come and visit my place?" Lancelot asked Boors.

Arthur whacked Lancelot on the back of the head. "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU! SHE IS HAPPILY MARRIED!"

"Yeah…to an addict" snickered Galahad.

Gawain slapped his brother across the face.

"Addict is the wrong word; brother…FREAK is more like it…"

"Again…WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH ALL OF YOU?" Arthur angrily screamed. "Tristan is our friend and we…"

Before he could finish, Gawain and Galahad knocked him on the back of the head and hog-tied him as well.

"Now that the situation is handled, who's hungry? I've got a turkey and warm APPLE pie." Katryna said.

All of the knights suddenly regurgitated their last meals.

Galahad landed his deliberately on Tristan.

"HEY!"

"Sorry…weak tummy…"

"Oh please…never mention the fruit "APPLE" again!" begged Lancelot.

With that, all of the knights fainted. Tristan was still tied up on the floor covered in vomit.

"Kay…please let me up?"

TO BE CONTINUED…


End file.
